By Braden Godley
The Federal Bureau of Investigation has been thrown into shambles after President Trump ordered the firing of the agency’s code name composing savant, who was responsible for creating code names for operations, agents, and other classified business of the bureau.
Henry Gale, the former FBI code name creator, was an integral part of the internal processes of the agency. Since his removal, the agency reportedly has had difficulty operating.
An agent using the code name “Equinox Minora” was willing to comment on the issue. “I remember the days before Henry, or as we called him, ‘The Warbler Prime,’ got fired. Those were the glory days for code names. It’s truly a shame, especially since it has caused a lot of problems for the agency lately.”
The FBI has begun to hold meetings to brainstorm code names, now including all agents that aren’t on missions in the discussions. However, many agents have expressed concerns about the code name conferences. One agent, going by the code name “Shadowstorm,” said, “It’s been a rough week. I just want to say that the code name meetings are making me really uncomfortable. Sometimes, I think of a name that I think is really cool, then I see Agent Crimson Swordspear, across the table, and I second guess myself. He’d probably laugh if I gave my idea.”
Agent Shadowstorm offered a suggestion, “How about this: instead of proposing the code name to the entire agency, we write them on little slips, then General Director Finite Blue can call them out and call for a vote?”
We asked Agent Crimson Swordspear for his thoughts on the situation. “Shadowstorm said that? That’s funny, I don’t feel afraid of sharing my ideas at all. I mean, how could you be ashamed of a name as badass as Crimson Swordspear? I bet Agent Shadowstorm said that just because he’s jealous that I was promoted to Black-Ops First Commander Officer. Take that off the record, by the way, that’s classified.”
If the social uneasiness that the firing incited wasn’t bad enough, it has also caused the agency difficulty in responding to worldwide threats: without their esteemed code name savant, the agency hasn’t been able to quickly create, name, and then execute operations. “Sometimes these stupid code name meetings take over four hours, which is more than enough time for some villain on a mission of world domination to steal the blueprints for our proprietary space guns,” commented Equinox Minora, referencing the fourth world domination plot that made it off of the ground this week. The American expectation of villainous schemes being shut down before they begin has been disappointed numerous times since The Warbler Prime was fired by President Trump.
“If you wouldn’t like mind control rays and unspeakably terrifying voodoo magic taking center stage in your life, we’d recommend that you make sure to vote in the next election. As an American, it’s your duty to vote for whoever you think won’t stop the FBI from preventing villains enacting their plans,” said The Warbler Prime in a comment on his firing.