By Braden Godley
Concerned that Venus fly-traps may be involved in a hostile foreign take-over, American people’s activist Andrew Haynes has appeared before the Supreme Court last week with one defining question: “Are Venus fly-traps really necessary?”
Capable of outputting over 800 millinewtons of raw biting power, Venus fly-traps are a danger to many, including house flies and the occasional frog. However, their threat to humanity is not due to their flawless evolution as many would assume. In an interview, Andrew Haynes revealed his findings, “As a man who loves his grandmother, I was horrified to hear that she had been assaulted by her Venus fly-trap, whose name will not be said here.”
“It was late at night, maybe three or four in the morning, when my grandma woke to find that her previously harmless plant had latched its foul teeth into her shoulder,” he continued, “She grabbed the plant and pulled it off, then threw it out of her window. It was then that she noticed that the plant had left a distinctive bite mark: a Russian flag.”
Further thought about Venus fly-traps and their natural place in an ecosystem, Mr. Haynes wondered what impact on an ecosystem the plant could have. “Would there even be any repercussions if we just got rid of them? I mean, what do they do that nothing else does better? For god’s sake, it takes them days to digest a single fly. There’s got to be a better way. And now that they’re endangering my grandma and the American people, I think it’s time to say ‘No!’”
The events coincided with a string of bank robberies, and the kidnapping of a local gardener, Ingrid. An expert sketch artist Shana Snyder created a sketch with details of the perpetrator from eyewitness reports.
Although footage of the perpetrator has not yet been uncovered, the kidnapping, now a hostage situation, is ongoing.
When animal rights activists heard of the crime spree that took place all over southern California, they were quick to respond to the hostage situation, working as a mediator between plants and authorities. When asked what his thoughts were on the situation, Rich “The Weasel Man” D., an animal rights activist, and self-proclaimed “backstreet” entrepreneur commented, “Well, man, I think that this plant is definitely something, dude. I mean, you’ve gotta have at least some brains to be able to rob a bank, and take a hostage. Shouldn’t these plants have rights if they can do that, do you know what I mean?”
Since the activists stepped in to act as mediators of the situation, the Venus fly-trap, nicknamed now “The Six-Haired Chomp Vegetable,” has made hefty requests from local law enforcement. Police Chief Dan Ryleigh of Los Angeles seemed particularly confused by the entire situation, “The damn plant is asking for $200,000 in unmarked American bills! What’s it going to do with it anyway? How much plant food could you even buy with that much money? But what I really want to know is how a plant managed to rob five banks and kidnap a part-time gardener in the span of 90 minutes? And is it even possible for a plant to be a Russian agent!?”
Despite many attempts from President Donald Trump to reach the Kremlin about the incident over Twitter, so far Russian officials have not made any official statements. Trump wrote in a tweet, “First it’s chemical weapons in Syria. Now it’s gun-toting carnivorous plants on our OWN turf. Just the U.S. getting the short end of the stick AGAIN. SAD!”